Mandy's Musings

Mandy's Musings

Friday, 5 November 2010

Nice Guy

The condensation formed droplets on the cafe window chased each other south. Teardrops spilled from her eyes mirroring their path.
Cally’s gaze strayed to his photograph then back to the window.
A waitress came over and picked up her tray.
“Are you alright? I couldn’t help noticing you’re upset.”
Cally shook her head.
“Five years together. We were engaged...”
“What happened?”
“He’s married, wife’s expecting.”
She held up the photograph. “Nice guy huh?”
The waitress looked at the photo.
Cally looked at the waitress’s swollen belly.
Their eyes locked as tragic realisation dawned.
The tray clattered to the floor.

23 comments:

  1. no man could have written this. The opening two lines with rainwater/teardrops was beautifully affecting.

    marc nash

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  2. Gasp! Excellent, I loved it, so much feeling in so few lines. I loved the image of tears racing raindrops. It is a masterpiece of show not tell.

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  3. Your Flash Fiction contribution is one of my highlights of the week. It simply gets better and better every week. Clever girl.

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  4. Thanks for all the lovely comments so far- makes me feel so appreciated :0)

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  5. Wow that is absolutely gorgeous Mandy. Well done you.

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  6. Oooh, what are the odds! You've said a whole lot with such an economy of words/sentences. Very well done, you!

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  7. Beautiful, simply beautiful.

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  8. Fantastic capture of two huge stories hitting each other at pace. If I could make one tiny observation...the opening statement from the waitress: is there another way you could have her say that she's noticed Cally is upset. It is the only tell in a field of show. But I'm being ultra-picky :D

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  9. Very well done, the moment of realisation is very strong.

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  10. Run waitress, run! This situation can never go well.

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  11. nano second granted, realisation

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  12. Wow! From the beautiful description of tears mirroring condensation to the women's moment of realisation, you made every word work for you here. It might be micro fiction but it has maximum impact. Brilliantly executed.

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  13. Says it all. Well done on capturing soooo much in a tiny snapshot. Fab flash.

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  14. Perfectly told story and a great flash piece as well. I want to see what happens next when the women confront that "nice guy."

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  15. Great story in such small space. Yes, what will happen to that 'nice guy'? Hmmm...

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  16. I thought this was brilliant Mandy. You could feel the realisation with the women.

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  17. This is what writing is about. You say so much with few words.

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  18. Wow! Nicely done Mandy.

    It looks like the cheating worm's marriage may be on the rocks soon too.

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  19. Thanks for all your great comments x

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  20. The tray might well have clattered down on top of Cally's head! Some kind of poetic justice here, nice work Mandy!

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